On the paperwork side of things we are just about in the best place we could ask for given the current hold on children leaving the country. U's visa was renewed just 3 days before it was set to expire. Phew and thank you Jesus! We have no idea when the suspension will be lifted but things seem to be headed in the right direction. The US officials met with the Congolese officials early last month and had what seemed to be a very encouraging time together. Both governments are expecting the lift to be sooner than later.
The picture on his visa is from 6 months ago. It doesn't seem that long but when I actually got the visa a few days later and saw his picture I was taken back with emotion. Going from just barely two years old to 2 1/2 is a big difference. He went from looking like a baby to looking like a toddler. I am incredibly thankful for the blessing of all the information we have about U's family, for his amazing foster family and for the countless pictures we have of Mr. U but in those moments when you have a visual reminder of the time that is slipping away it takes a toll on this mama.
Honestly, it's hard to put into words this experience. This waiting. This grieving over lost time with our baby boy who is no longer a baby. The sadness that the girls feel as they are getting older and can understand more and more that they have a brother they can't play with. I can see God doing life changing beautiful things through this ugly, dark place and I don't want to take away from that but the pain and aches and tears and mourning is real and painful and numbing and I would not be honest in this space if I didn't include that part of this waiting.
The waiting has above all been drenched with a peace and even a joy that is supernatural in ever way. When the Bible talks about "peace that surpasses all understanding" I can confidently say I am living with that peace and it is a different kind of peace, unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life.
There have been high highs and low lows but I can say that though the low lows are always circumstantial, the high highs come with the joys of this process and in the pain of the waiting. The later are gifts of experiencing God not based on the warm and fuzzy everything is going my way kind of days but experiencing God because he is good and constant and though the situations change He never will.
After feeling carried and protected through Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, I crashed a bit this week. I told God I don't know what to pray anymore, what to think anymore or do. I asked him what now? His answer was given as clear as day:
I'm still trying to figure out what "waiting patiently" will look like for me in this season but I know I'll get there. Prayerfully I won't have to stay there long.
A friend sent me this beautiful song yesterday. I have listened to it over and over and over again. Hopefully you can click on the link to watch & hear it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNqo4Un2uZI
Far be it for me to not believe, even when my eyes can't see...
And the mountain that's in front of me, will be thrown into the midst of the sea.
Through it all through it all my eyes are on you.
Through it all it is well with me.
Let it go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name.
Lord, help us let go and trust in You. Amen.
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