One Year Without U

I noted March 22, 2013 in my calendar last year as a way to remember, reminisce and celebrate the first time R and I saw a picture of our precious little boy.  The day we found out we were going to have a son!  It was (and still is!) literally the best phone call I have ever received.  I suppose it's the equivalent of finding out I was pregnant with the girls and finding out they were girls and seeing their little faces for the first time all rolled up into one amazing phone call.  The emotions were intense and exhilarating.  And oh how the mishmash of emotions have maintained there intensity throughout this year.

I could never have imagined a year ago today that little Mr. U would not be sitting in my arms today.  As a fellow waiting mom put it, there's no real explaining what it feels like to have your son halfway across the world.

There has not been one moment of my life in the past year that U is not in the front of my mind.  Not one moment.  In a way it has given me a fraction of understanding into how God can always and forever have me on His mind no matter how many other things the world has going on that He's involved in.  Gods longing for me is so intense how could he not be thinking of me?  That's how I feel about my boy.  The tears are only a blink away from spilling out and the joy that he brings to my heart is as real as his little smile.

Last September (2013) the Congolese government stopped issuing exit letters for orphans to leave the country with their adoptive families for up to one year (September 2014).  They started investigating different cases to ensure the safety of each child.  The reason behind the hold is beautiful.  The reality for the children who would be leaving to live with amazing, loving and safe families is crushing.  Yesterday we were made aware that the hold on issuing exit letters is expected to last more than the original 12 month time frame.  

The pain of that news runs deep.  It's a reminder that nothing in this process is certain.  The only thing I can do is hope in the only One I can.  Hope and pray.

The girls and I were listening to a CD in the car yesterday.  M asked me what the words were.  

 I am not forgotten I am not forgotten I am not forgotten God knows my name (x2)
He knows my name

I am not forgotten I am not forgotten I am not forgotten God knows my name (x2)
He knows my name
He knows my name
Verse: Light over darkness strength over weakness joy over sadness he knows my name father to the fatherless friend to the friendless hope for the hopeless he knows my name

That was just minutes after I had received the news of the unknown lift on this wait.  We hadn't listened to that CD in well over a year and the one day that the girls ask to listen to it is the one day that I needed to be reminded of those words.  U is not forgotten.  

God has blessed me with so many of these sweet sweet moments with Him through this wait.  I have felt God hold me as I pray He holds U.  He has given me friends to cry with and get giddy with.  He doesn't have to give me anything.  He alone is enough but yet He pours out more on me, on U and on my family.

He continues to remind me of His promises.

If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there;
If you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath.
Psalm 34:18 - The Message 

I was reading Matthew 7:7-8 this morning.  "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."  

In the commentary at the bottom of my Bible it notes that in the words "ask"..."seek"...."knock" it is a Greek present imperatives that is being used in those words and therefore indicates constant asking, constant seeking and constant knocking.  It also states, "Persistent prayer is being emphasized."  

In a week that has been especially emotional with the ups and downs of this adoption journey it is a great reminder to keep on asking, seeking and knocking for our little guy to be healthy, safe, lovely cared for and in our arms soon.


Your love, Oh LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Psalms 36:5

Cars and Rice

There are many things in life that I knowingly take for granted.  Food, clean water, healthy relationships, heat, cars, savings in the bank, electricity, ect, ect.  

Then there are things that I never knew I took for granted.

Knowing A loves making crafts and coloring.  Knowing M loves dressing up and singing.  Knowing my girls favorite colors.  Foods they love.  Foods that causes there noses to wrinkle as they eat.  Knowing what makes them laugh the hardest and what makes their little hearts ache.  

I never knew that I took that knowledge for granted.  It was only when week after week, month after month I didn't have that knowledge about my son that I became incredibly aware of the gift of knowledge that I do have and the ache that lack of knowledge can bring.  

In the past year we have learned about U's past and when he learned to walk.  For a year that is all we have known.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't wonder everything there is for a mother to long to know about her child.  This past week that longing was met with some answers.  Thank you Jesus!!  Happy tears and a family dance party followed the news!

U loves to play with cars.  He loves rice.  He loves to eat and eat and eat.  He cries a lot and smiles a lot.  He sleeps wonderfully through the night.  He is described as boisterous and smily.  

Dreaming and praying for the day we can play cars together and have a big bowl of rice at our kitchen table with all five of us!